How to Bench Press THE EARTH (Assisted)

That's right you can bench press the world yourself today with the amazing secrets below. It's not some kind of fantastic protein shake, it's just sound(ish) science and too much spare time. Read on for the story of how two ordinary men discovered how to bench press THE EARTH.

My sister has recently started dating a dude (at least it's a dude I guess) and I wasn't quite sure how to deal with this. While talking to Nathan in the kitchen however we came up with the idea of issuing him 12 Olympian tasks to perform before I gave him my blessing. These include such things as downing a glass of sea water, getting Arnie's signature, bringing me an empty wasp's nest and destroying the moon. One in particular caught my eye however: Bench Pressing the Earth.

This lead us to thinking about how this could actually be accomplished. It's certainly something I'd like to be able to put on my CV and it's definitely something I'd like to be able to say in the pub. So we started thinking...

Our first thought was that it wouldn't actually be that heavy (stay with me) as it would be floating in space. That would mean inertia - no friction - so that the just the tiniest touch would send it travelling forever into the distance.

That's not accounting for gravity however, you see there's the slight issue of the sun... That means that it's kind of on a trajectory and you certainly can't push it through space. You could always destroy the sun...

The other reason that wouldn't work is that there would be nothing to push against and being captured by the Earth's gravity yourself you wouldn't be able to get a good footing. It would be a bit like standing on your own barbell while you did a bench press. So the sun is safe for now.

All is not lost however as according to Nathan when you jump, some believe the Earth actually moves the tiniest billionth of a fraction back towards you as well as vice versa - so you're kind of 'pulling' the Earth every time you jump right?

Since thinking about this idea however I've realised it's definitely bullshit. I mean, what if there's someone jumping on the other side of the world, which there probably definitely is? It can't go in every direction!

But starting to think of gravity as an ally rather than an enemy set me along a different line of though. What if you pushed the Earth in the direction it's already moving? What if you 'helped' it along its orbit around the sun? I realised that if you were to be exactly 'behind' the Earth as it went round then did a press up (or better yet a clapping press up) you might be technically bench pressing the Earth. Asssisted by the sun itself - the ultimate spotter!

At first being a bit simple (as this post clearly attests) I thought this would involve travelling... until I realised that the Earth rotates! Horay! So that means all you have to do is wait until the time that you're facing in the direction that the Earth's rotating. Now if it was a perfect circle that would be 6am (exactly 6am, accounting for your precise position on the globe). But sadly that's not the case... further maths is required. So I'm going away and doing the maths and asking people and shit. Stay tuned. Until then do press ups at 6am and 'kind of' bench press the Earth. For heaven's sake though don't drop it...

*Edit*

Ah you'd probably also have to be 'half way up' the world too on its longitudinal axis - so the equator... Or maybe just slightly higher or lower as the axis is skewed. My brain hurts.
I am going to find the exact time and spot and I am totally going to do this...

3.0 and Spreeder

The observant of you may have noticed some changes at the Biomatrix.Net, namely: everything. Tired of the jibes of other webmasters who called the site 'not very good' and 'needs a better design', I decided to learn CSS and in 24 hours the Biomatrix 3.0 was born. Harder, better, faster and stronger than the old one. It looks so professional it makes my eyes bleed piss to look at it. I hope it does the same for you.

Sorry that was a little weird, I've just been watching Talladega nights...

There's more cool new stuff on the way too so stay tuned; The Biomatrix is indeed an ongoing project. And as if that wasn't enough both AdamSinicki.com and NotQuiteReality.com are undergoing changes too. The reason for this? I've finished my degree and want to make a go at making a living online. So if you like the site and you have a job for the makers of the Biomatrix.Net, drop me line at editor@the-biomatrix.net. Likewise, feel free to get in touch if you have any feedback or comments about the new site.

In the meantime allow me to introduce a cool online gadget that can enhance your cognitive performance: www.spreeder.com. A recent article on the Biomatrix detailed the basics of speed reading (How to Speed Read), but now with this programme you can actively train yourself to get faster. The site works by flashing text you paste into the box up on the screen at a set wps (words per second) for you to read. So next time you have a large bunch of text try pasting it in and gradually increasing the speed each time you do. Practice makes perfect and it gets the Biomatrix seal of approval! You can set it at litterally any speed (thousands is still legible even though a mere 300 is the default) and can paste any sized text into it. It's also particularly good for rap lyrics (try nod your head). You could even try it with some of my articles, it would save reading them normally...

Kevin Warwick - Real Life Cyborg

Many people talk about Transhumanism (that's giving people superpowers for those who haven't been paying attention (sort of)) as though it's something speculative that may or may not happen. Here at the Biomatrix we treat it as a lifestyle choice, pointing all the ways in which you can already improve yourself through advanced training or technology (nootropic drugs, bodybuilding, martial arts, jumpsoles, a hat with a pencil stuck to it...). Kevin Warwick however takes this one step further, becoming the first real-life cyborg. Seriously.

So what, you're thinking, he's got like a GPS tracker? Well yes actually he does have something like that, but he's also got much more too - he can control robot arms across continents with his mind, navigate blinfolded and even communicate telepathicaly with his wife who is also part cyborg. And how can he do all this? Through an electrode array of 100 electrodes (25 of which can be accessed at any one time) implanted to interface with his nervous system. This was complicated enough to allow him to control the arm and combined with ultrasonic sensors attached to a baseball cap he achieved extra-sensory vision. His wife had a simpler array which allowed them to send basic signals to each other over an internet connection and as if all that wasn't enough an additional an RFID transmitter implanted earlier allows him to set music and lighting automatically when he enters rooms. I know I go on about this... but he's soooo Tony Stark!

Like so many superhero origin stories, Kevin performed his experiments on himself to avoid putting others at risk, but I suspect he also probably kind of liked the idea of opening doors with his noggin. The purpose for these experiments are mainly to help the blind, or the limbless, but the Transhumanist applications are obvious; an Iron Man suit utilising a neural interface, 360 degree vision, sonar, telepathy ('techlepathy' as some are calling it)... the possibilities are endless and are no longer a thing of science fiction. They are happening now - and the Biomatrix.net will stay at the cutting edge to bring you all the news from the frontline. Stay tuned!

Transhumanism Study Abstract

ABSTRACT
Transhumanism is a school of thought that promotes the use of new technologies to enhance the human condition mentally and physically. While many papers have been written outlining precisely the arguments for and against transhuman ideals, nothing has been done to establish what the layman’s perception of them might be. This study then used focus group interviews of students to explore their views on such a potentially life-altering concept. Students were chosen as the sample due to their eligibility for transhuman procedures and for practical reason. The focus groups were transcribed and analysed using thematic analysis revealing five major themes relating to prior knowledge, emotional reactions, individual concerns, socioeconomic concerns and moral concerns. Generally participants were found to be against the movement, though some saw it as permissible to certain degrees and under certain circumstances. It is suggested that further work needs to be done to raise awareness of the issue, discover exactly under what circumstances it would be considered permissible and to clarify some of the more cloudy definitions within the subject.

The full study or at least the results section will be available through the site in one form or another shortly so stayed tuned.

(FYI: This picture is from the new Iron Man (Iron Man 2 as some are calling it...) and by the looks of it that's a NEW SUIT!!)

Willies are very funny

It's been a while since I wrote anything training related or overly useful on this blog - the last post was about a weird hat and my facial hair (though I did link to the Biomatrix TV which is very useful and training related to be fair). Now exams are over however... you're going to have to wait a bit longer.

I'm just writing today because I did something funny and childish on behalf of the Biomatrix; I drew a picture of a dick and got it posted on a big and successful blog. The reason for this? This well-known steroid promoting guy called Anthony Roberts was using an image of mine that I was hosting on his site thus putting a strain on my server. Weird baring in mind he makes a living from what he does and I make 1cent an hour. I told him he could continue to use the image however so long as he linked back to the Biomatrix. He said he was doing it in a week. Predictably it turned out he was lying and so being a mature editor I responded with this:

Loads of people will see that! Awesomeness. In my defence he promotes steroids so he is technically a bad guy. He's like Megatron and I'm like Optimus Prime (I merely look into transhumanism and supplements but advocate natural training mostly see). He also completely doesn't need to be using my webspace which costs me around £70 a year (that's right - so get buying stuff!). Most importantly though, it is very, very funny.

When I worked at Writers' News I constantly had to ass-kiss with people who were being nobs, I partly started the Biomatrix so I could decide the editorial principles and kick ass when necesary. It's bad business but it's fun. Bottom line - don't mess with the Biomatrix.Net! Next week Nathan and I catch out the food theif by putting laxatives in our tea...