Gym Review: Muscle Beach

Having been lucky enough to get to sample a workout at Muscle Beach last week, I thought it was only fair that I share the experience with my fellow readers. It almost seems like sacrilege to review what’s perhaps the most famous gym in the world, but here at the Biomatrix we believe in treating everyone, and every gym, equally. No one get’s special treatment, and so I put this beacon of fitness to the test like any other and asked the ultimate question: is it better than Stokewood Road?
Well actually, while Stokewood road is just my old quaint little gym down the road, in many ways Muscle Beach isn’t actually any better. Okay so it has slightly more pieces of equipment, but then Stokewood road is really lacking in that department (I defend it more out of loyalty than anything). The point is that compared to most decent gyms you’ll go to these days, Muscle Beach doesn’t really have much at all. To summarise they have one of every piece of equipment – so just like any other gym you can expect to queue for the bench press. Half of the stuff they did have while I was there was also wrapped in cellophane – i.e. they hadn’t bothered to unwrap it. And that includes the bench press – it’s wrapped in cellophane in the most boiling heat in the world. They also don’t have any CV machines at all.

But then I kind of like that. This is for bodybuilders after all – not overweight middle aged guys. This is for people who are serious about working out and who don’t care that they’re doing it with minimal equipment. Hell, we could get a workout out of a pile of scrap (in Stallone’s case literally). This is bodybuilding as it should be – down and dirty and covered in sweat.

So Muscle Beach is not a health club, it’s dungeon. Except it’s also for people who are very vain, because unlike most dungeons this one isn’t underground; in fact it’s in the middle of the road with no walls and no ceilings meaning that everyone who guys by gets to stare at you while you do your workout. And in Venice Beach lots of people will go past no matter what time of day it is (and most of them will be very very weird). I was on Holiday in LA and yet tourists were taking photos of me (and Goof) doing a workout as though we were one of the attractions. For lots of people that would be a big turn off, but for proud ‘top off men’ like ourselves this was a good moment. Likewise it will be a good moment for anyone else who is genuinely a bodybuilder, where the idea of the sport is after all pretty much to look good. Again then, this is a place for the hardcore, and if you currently feel a little intimidated by the free weights room in your gym then you just won’t cut the mustard here.
One downside of the open-top policy however was the sun, and after a few sets and reps Goof and I found ourselves close to passing out. Locals I’m sure will be used to this, but even then it’s taxing. But again it’s hardcore, and at the same time it’ll sweat the fat off of you. Our workout then was slightly slowed, marred by the sun, lack of available bench press and Goof’s bad wrist. Still though it was an event and it was certainly inspiring working out by the beach in front of onlookers. More inspiring still were the photos on the wall, the names of bodybuilding legends such as ‘Joe Weider’ and ‘Frank Zane’ immortalised around the outside, and images in my mind of Arnie training there (from Pumping Iron I believe). I feel that if I had regular access to this place then it would have a positive effect on my training and I’d be pushed to train harder. In other words then, this is a gym that subscribes to the ‘less is more’ attitude. It’s a real gym. If you go there expecting that, then you’ll have a great time.

Furthermore it was only $10 for a day pass, which leads me to guess that a year’s pass would be somewhere in the region of $150-$200 (about £90-£130), so it’s definitely affordable. You do away with the swimming pool and Pilates classes and suddenly a gym doesn’t need to break the bank. It was also fairly quiet, though I imagine at weekends that might change.
The best part of the experience possibly for me though was the free bodyweight gym just opposite. This place had ropes dangling from bars, rings for the Iron Cross, stations for dips and everything else you could want. I believe strongly in bodyweight stuff and it’s a lot more impressive to show off with than pumping iron. This facility was still on the beach meanwhile and actually had more stuff than Muscle Beach itself. This leads me to think that perhaps if I lived there I would go to that bit instead for a free and more impressive workout, but that wouldn’t be the case for most people who aren’t so hot on the bodyweight stuff.

The final part of my Muscle Beach experience was trying out the new café they have ‘Muscle Beach Café’ (a clever name). The place it great and gets my special recommendation after they gave Goof and myself the honour of being the first ever customers! Hopefully it’ll be famous some day and we can be smug. We bought Coke.

So that’s that – Muscle Beach = an amazing hardcore gym that despite its fame has not ‘sold out’. However there is an even cooler free gym right next door and I’m pretty sure that that ‘counts’ as Muscle Beach. For other things to do while in LA why not follow in my footsteps and stalk Stallone. I had a nice conversation with his Maid who told me to go away. Oh well…