How to Bench Press THE EARTH (Assisted)

That's right you can bench press the world yourself today with the amazing secrets below. It's not some kind of fantastic protein shake, it's just sound(ish) science and too much spare time. Read on for the story of how two ordinary men discovered how to bench press THE EARTH.

My sister has recently started dating a dude (at least it's a dude I guess) and I wasn't quite sure how to deal with this. While talking to Nathan in the kitchen however we came up with the idea of issuing him 12 Olympian tasks to perform before I gave him my blessing. These include such things as downing a glass of sea water, getting Arnie's signature, bringing me an empty wasp's nest and destroying the moon. One in particular caught my eye however: Bench Pressing the Earth.

This lead us to thinking about how this could actually be accomplished. It's certainly something I'd like to be able to put on my CV and it's definitely something I'd like to be able to say in the pub. So we started thinking...

Our first thought was that it wouldn't actually be that heavy (stay with me) as it would be floating in space. That would mean inertia - no friction - so that the just the tiniest touch would send it travelling forever into the distance.

That's not accounting for gravity however, you see there's the slight issue of the sun... That means that it's kind of on a trajectory and you certainly can't push it through space. You could always destroy the sun...

The other reason that wouldn't work is that there would be nothing to push against and being captured by the Earth's gravity yourself you wouldn't be able to get a good footing. It would be a bit like standing on your own barbell while you did a bench press. So the sun is safe for now.

All is not lost however as according to Nathan when you jump, some believe the Earth actually moves the tiniest billionth of a fraction back towards you as well as vice versa - so you're kind of 'pulling' the Earth every time you jump right?

Since thinking about this idea however I've realised it's definitely bullshit. I mean, what if there's someone jumping on the other side of the world, which there probably definitely is? It can't go in every direction!

But starting to think of gravity as an ally rather than an enemy set me along a different line of though. What if you pushed the Earth in the direction it's already moving? What if you 'helped' it along its orbit around the sun? I realised that if you were to be exactly 'behind' the Earth as it went round then did a press up (or better yet a clapping press up) you might be technically bench pressing the Earth. Asssisted by the sun itself - the ultimate spotter!

At first being a bit simple (as this post clearly attests) I thought this would involve travelling... until I realised that the Earth rotates! Horay! So that means all you have to do is wait until the time that you're facing in the direction that the Earth's rotating. Now if it was a perfect circle that would be 6am (exactly 6am, accounting for your precise position on the globe). But sadly that's not the case... further maths is required. So I'm going away and doing the maths and asking people and shit. Stay tuned. Until then do press ups at 6am and 'kind of' bench press the Earth. For heaven's sake though don't drop it...

*Edit*

Ah you'd probably also have to be 'half way up' the world too on its longitudinal axis - so the equator... Or maybe just slightly higher or lower as the axis is skewed. My brain hurts.
I am going to find the exact time and spot and I am totally going to do this...